Mechanical Nothingness

I don’t want to always play by the rules. There is no part of me that is truly mechanical. Only my marriage really. But then again, what are the rules to blogging? I don’t really know anyway. I just know that as much as I want to get things down somewhere as a way to alleviate confusion in my own mind, I don’t want it to read like some stilted and very ordered recollection of the events that have led me to my position now. So sometimes I might just throw a wild card out there, a few spare moments of time from my mind to this keyboard with little thought, just feeling.

Tonight is one such time. I’m alone in my hotel room after a hectic day collating information (without giving too much away I work within the tourism industry collating information for brochures). I was invited to the bar by one of the girls working on reception; I declined. Sometimes I feel like socialising, in fact I need it when I’m away from home just so I can break free for a while and let my defenses down, be who I want to be. But tonight it is as if my veins are bulging and I’m fit to explode the emotions are so high. Pouring it out here, well I’m not far enough into it yet to decide if it is really helping, or going to help, but I just know that somehow, some way – it feels necessary.

So here I am. Bleeding inside. Bleeding outside through these words. I don’t know if others have this feeling of utter helplessness, a kind of crawling pain that starts in the pit of my stomach and winds its way up my very core until it leaves me with a constricted feeling in my throat. Is it loss of love? Lack of love? Unsure as to how I have come to be here in my life? Confusion as to what my future holds? God knows… I just know that I feel it. I feel it so acutely I almost want to reach into the toilet and expel this devil from me. Is the devil him, Harry? I don’t know. I just know that I wish I could feel alive.

Yesterday I drove towards the mountains, they loomed up ahead – a spectacular horizon above the straight flat road. I thought to myself “I want to climb them, I want to climb over them, I want to be within their embarce.” So overwhelming was this feeling of wanting to be lost within their magnitude and feel nature spill over my physical being that I stopped the car, stood outside of it and pushed my face into the crisp air. White nothingness. Emptiness. Silence. Yes, I think it’s nothingness, that’s what I need right now.